Going to go 30 days without Facebook
30 days w/o Elad
30 days... That's all I got so for
Will update soon.and everyday a new photo of Israel.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
30 days no Facebook
I'm
Going to go 30 days without Facebook
30 days w/o Elad
30 days... That's all I got so for
Will update soon.and everyday a new photo of Israel.
Going to go 30 days without Facebook
30 days w/o Elad
30 days... That's all I got so for
Will update soon.and everyday a new photo of Israel.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
It'll be okay.... (adapted to me...)
If you had asked me today how I am doing, I would have told you I am fine. I am good. Life is great. I might have told you the good news about my great schedule next month, or the great time I had in Paris recently. I probably would have offered you a glass of red told you about me going to
Israel next week.
And it would all be true. Mostly. Because I am fine and life is good, except when it's not. But I don't know how to tell anyone when it's not.
Right now, I am not okay. Today, I was not okay. This past week, I was anything but okay.
If I was being honest, I would have to tell you that I am heart broken. I haven't slept well in over a year now. I am finding it difficult to eat. My heart hurts and when my friends aren't looking, I can't stop the tears. I feel overwhelmed. I feel betrayed. I feel confused. I feel alone.
But if you ask, I will tell you that I am fine because I don't know how to say these things. I won't tell you these things because I don't want them to be true. I am courageous. I am positive. I am living with faith and hope. I am a glass half full kind of girl, always have been. I can't tell you that I haven't been able to figure out up from down this past year because that is not who I am.
I can't tell you what I've lost because that would be ungrateful. I don't want to complain. I don't want to burden anyone with my worries, my fears, my failures. And it's not that big of a deal anyway. This too shall pass. It will all work itself out in the end. At least, this is what I tell myself.
So, I do what I've been doing for so long now. I work and I work and I work. I lend a helping hand, and I keep busy. I've never been comfortable with being the victim or the storyteller, but when I do talk to a friend I tell a little bit, I admit some things, but I'm quick to point out the stars in the darkness. I'm quick to remind everyone that it will all be okay.
I don't know what else to do. I can't put words to this grief. I can't tell you what it's like to feel so alone, so misunderstood. I can't explain the short circuit between heart and mind right now. I don't want you to know how fragile everything feels, or how quick I am to fall apart, to cry out that this is not the life I wanted.
When I sat down to write this I intended to write the truth. I wanted to tell someone all the things I can't tell anyone. I thought if I could put them here, list them out and send them on their way, that it might help. Bounce back, I keep telling myself.
But now that I'm here, I don't think I can tell you everything or anything really. I don't think it would help. People will offer to listen. They will ask me what they can do, how they can help. And that's the tricky part - they can't, not really.
Right now, it's enough just to be able to say that I'm not okay. I just wanted someone to know.
Israel next week.
And it would all be true. Mostly. Because I am fine and life is good, except when it's not. But I don't know how to tell anyone when it's not.
Right now, I am not okay. Today, I was not okay. This past week, I was anything but okay.
If I was being honest, I would have to tell you that I am heart broken. I haven't slept well in over a year now. I am finding it difficult to eat. My heart hurts and when my friends aren't looking, I can't stop the tears. I feel overwhelmed. I feel betrayed. I feel confused. I feel alone.
But if you ask, I will tell you that I am fine because I don't know how to say these things. I won't tell you these things because I don't want them to be true. I am courageous. I am positive. I am living with faith and hope. I am a glass half full kind of girl, always have been. I can't tell you that I haven't been able to figure out up from down this past year because that is not who I am.
I can't tell you what I've lost because that would be ungrateful. I don't want to complain. I don't want to burden anyone with my worries, my fears, my failures. And it's not that big of a deal anyway. This too shall pass. It will all work itself out in the end. At least, this is what I tell myself.
So, I do what I've been doing for so long now. I work and I work and I work. I lend a helping hand, and I keep busy. I've never been comfortable with being the victim or the storyteller, but when I do talk to a friend I tell a little bit, I admit some things, but I'm quick to point out the stars in the darkness. I'm quick to remind everyone that it will all be okay.
I don't know what else to do. I can't put words to this grief. I can't tell you what it's like to feel so alone, so misunderstood. I can't explain the short circuit between heart and mind right now. I don't want you to know how fragile everything feels, or how quick I am to fall apart, to cry out that this is not the life I wanted.
When I sat down to write this I intended to write the truth. I wanted to tell someone all the things I can't tell anyone. I thought if I could put them here, list them out and send them on their way, that it might help. Bounce back, I keep telling myself.
But now that I'm here, I don't think I can tell you everything or anything really. I don't think it would help. People will offer to listen. They will ask me what they can do, how they can help. And that's the tricky part - they can't, not really.
Right now, it's enough just to be able to say that I'm not okay. I just wanted someone to know.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
The journey
There's a saying that it's not the destination but the journey that is valuable. I can say that this rings true for many things and experiences in my life. I am actually great full for many of the 'mistakes' I've made in my life. I try not to have any regrets, inevitably I do- but I honestly try to hope there's a lesson or reason for things to happen.
Anyway, my current literal journey is trying to get to Maui to visit with my sister and niece who I have not seen in over a year. I didn't really know how badly I wanted to see them until it was frustratingly difficult to get myself on a flight yesterday to get there, it's a long journey.... Generally
15 hours door-to-door. But as I'm sitting here with less than an hour to go before landing in Maui I can, in this instance, that this journey is worth it.
I always forget how much I love being home until I actually get there..... Mostly I consider it a pain in the butt, I try to push it out of my mind, maybe to ease the pain of being 5,000 miles from my friends, family and home. To be continued....
Thursday, November 3, 2011
AI
So. A year ago yesterday I prematurely lost a close friend. It reminded me how short and precious life is, and how I really need to learn to be kinder to people, especially my close family and friends. Even though the last year of AI's life we were not very close, I loved him and miss him everyday. His wife whom I consider one of the greatest friends and people I've ever known in my life was 8 months pregnant with their first child when he died. I need to remember that life is short, and being nice to people is actually easier than being mean!! The world lost a great man that day and my friend lost the love of her life.
This also puts my petty life 'problems' in perspective.
RIP Andy.
The other day I found an INCREDIBLE blog:
http://www.marcandangel.com/
Check it out. It truly is amazing.
And ! Number 6 please!!!!
The Dalai Lama's Instructions for Life:
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs:
Respect for self
Respect for others and
Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
This also puts my petty life 'problems' in perspective.
RIP Andy.
The other day I found an INCREDIBLE blog:
http://www.marcandangel.com/
Check it out. It truly is amazing.
And ! Number 6 please!!!!
The Dalai Lama's Instructions for Life:
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs:
Respect for self
Respect for others and
Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Someone else's blog!
“Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness.
Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.”
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Many moons from now, just before you take your final breath, I hope, for your sake, that you are able to repeat the following ten headlines to yourself, honestly.
1. I followed my heart and intuition.
As our friend Steve Jobs says:
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice, heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
This is your life, and it’s a short one. Don’t accept false choices. Don’t let others put a cage around you. Try what you want to try. Go where you want to go. Follow your own intuition. Read Quitter.
2. I said what I needed to say.
Everyone has this little watchdog inside their head. It’s always there watching you. It was born and raised by your family, friends, coworkers, bosses and society at large, and its sole purpose is to watch you and make sure you stay in line. And once you become accustomed to the watchdog’s presence, you begin to think his opinion of what’s acceptable and unacceptable are absolute truths. But the watchdog’s views are not truths, they’re just opinions – forceful opinions that have the potential to completely brainwash you of your own opinions if you aren’t careful.
Remember, the watchdog is just a watchdog, he just watches. He can’t actually control you. He can’t do anything about it if you decide to rise up and go against the grain.
No, you should not start randomly cussing and acting like a fool. But you must say what you need to say when you need to say it. It may be your only chance to do so.
Don’t censor yourself. Speak the truth. Your truth.
3. I did what I needed to do.
Every morning you are faced with two choices: You can aimlessly stumble through the day not knowing what’s going to happen and simply react to events at a moment’s notice, or you can go through the day directing your own life and making your own decisions and destiny.
The greatest gift extraordinarily successful people have over average people is their ability to get themselves to take action – to physically do something about getting from where they are now to where they want to be. And no, it won’t be easy. But in the end, suffering from the pain of discipline while you do what you need to do is a whole lot easier than suffering from the regret and disappointment of never fulfilling any of your dreams.
4. I made a difference.
Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.
In life, you get what you put in. When you make a positive impact in someone else’s life, you also make a positive impact in your own life. Do something that’s greater than you – something that helps someone else to be happy or to suffer less.
Doing something nice for someone can change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. Read How To Win Friends and Influence People.
5. I know what true love is.
Finding a companion or a friend isn’t about trying to transform yourself into the perfect image of what you think they want. It’s about being exactly who you are and then finding someone who appreciates that. Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason.
As with all things of the heart, there is an ingredient of magic in finding love. There are no coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. Love is beautiful and unpredictable. The best thing you can do is to start to become the most outstanding person possible. The universe will know when you are ready, and when you are, true love will happen, unexpectedly.
6. I am happy and grateful.
Very little is needed to create happiness. It is all within you, in your way of thinking. How you view yourself and your world are conscious choices and habits. The lens you choose to view everything through determines how you feel about yourself and everything that happens around you. You must choose to be happy.
A big part of this is simply being grateful for what you have. As Mick Jagger once said, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need.” Look around. Appreciate the things you have right now. Many people aren’t so lucky. Read 12 Things Happy People Do Differently.
7. I am proud of myself.
You are your own best friend and your own biggest critic. Regardless of the opinions of others, at the end of the day the only reflection staring back at you in the mirror is your own. How you feel about this person is vital to your long-term wellbeing.
Being proud of yourself is also known as having strong self-esteem. People who are proud of themselves tend to have passions in life, feel content and set good examples for others. It requires envisioning the person you would like to become and making your best efforts to grow as an individual.
Being proud isn’t bragging about how great you are. It’s more like quietly knowing that you’re worth a lot. It’s not about thinking you’re perfect – because nobody is – but knowing that you’re worthy of being loved and accepted. Boost your self-esteem by recognizing your accomplishments and celebrating them. Acknowledge your positive qualities, and when you come across a quality in yourself that you aren’t proud of, don’t sulk in your sorrows, proactively work on correcting it. Read Today We Are Rich.
8. I became the best version of me.
It’s a good idea to be yourself, not only because everybody else is taken, but because trying to be anything else doesn’t usually get you very far. Trying to be someone else is a waste of the person you are. Strength, success and contentment come from being comfortable in your own skin.
Judy Garland once said, “Always be a first rate version of yourself instead of a second rate version of somebody else.” Live by this statement. There is no such thing as living in someone else’s shoes. The only shoes you can occupy are your own. If you aren’t being yourself, you aren’t truly living – you’re merely existing.
Remember, at any given moment, you are in competition with one person and one person only – yourself. You are competing to be the best you can be.
9. I forgave those who hurt me.
We’ve all been hurt by another person at some point or another – we were treated badly, trust was broken, hearts were hurt. And while this pain is normal, sometimes that pain lingers for too long. We relive the pain over and over and have a hard time letting go.
This causes problems. It not only causes us to be unhappy, but can strain or ruin relationships, distract us from work and family and other important things, make us reluctant to open up to new things and people. We get trapped in a cycle of anger and hurt, and miss out on the beauty of life as it happens.
Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.
10. I have no regrets.
This one is a culmination of the previous nine headlines…
Follow your heart. Be true to yourself. Do what you need to do fulfill your dreams. Say what you need to say. Be kind to others. Offer a helping hand when you’re able. Love those who deserve to be loved, and cherish the bond you share. Appreciate all the things you do have. Smile. Celebrate your small victories. Learn from your mistakes. Forgive. And let go of the things you can’t change.
Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.”
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Many moons from now, just before you take your final breath, I hope, for your sake, that you are able to repeat the following ten headlines to yourself, honestly.
1. I followed my heart and intuition.
As our friend Steve Jobs says:
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice, heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
This is your life, and it’s a short one. Don’t accept false choices. Don’t let others put a cage around you. Try what you want to try. Go where you want to go. Follow your own intuition. Read Quitter.
2. I said what I needed to say.
Everyone has this little watchdog inside their head. It’s always there watching you. It was born and raised by your family, friends, coworkers, bosses and society at large, and its sole purpose is to watch you and make sure you stay in line. And once you become accustomed to the watchdog’s presence, you begin to think his opinion of what’s acceptable and unacceptable are absolute truths. But the watchdog’s views are not truths, they’re just opinions – forceful opinions that have the potential to completely brainwash you of your own opinions if you aren’t careful.
Remember, the watchdog is just a watchdog, he just watches. He can’t actually control you. He can’t do anything about it if you decide to rise up and go against the grain.
No, you should not start randomly cussing and acting like a fool. But you must say what you need to say when you need to say it. It may be your only chance to do so.
Don’t censor yourself. Speak the truth. Your truth.
3. I did what I needed to do.
Every morning you are faced with two choices: You can aimlessly stumble through the day not knowing what’s going to happen and simply react to events at a moment’s notice, or you can go through the day directing your own life and making your own decisions and destiny.
The greatest gift extraordinarily successful people have over average people is their ability to get themselves to take action – to physically do something about getting from where they are now to where they want to be. And no, it won’t be easy. But in the end, suffering from the pain of discipline while you do what you need to do is a whole lot easier than suffering from the regret and disappointment of never fulfilling any of your dreams.
4. I made a difference.
Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.
In life, you get what you put in. When you make a positive impact in someone else’s life, you also make a positive impact in your own life. Do something that’s greater than you – something that helps someone else to be happy or to suffer less.
Doing something nice for someone can change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. Read How To Win Friends and Influence People.
5. I know what true love is.
Finding a companion or a friend isn’t about trying to transform yourself into the perfect image of what you think they want. It’s about being exactly who you are and then finding someone who appreciates that. Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason.
As with all things of the heart, there is an ingredient of magic in finding love. There are no coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. Love is beautiful and unpredictable. The best thing you can do is to start to become the most outstanding person possible. The universe will know when you are ready, and when you are, true love will happen, unexpectedly.
6. I am happy and grateful.
Very little is needed to create happiness. It is all within you, in your way of thinking. How you view yourself and your world are conscious choices and habits. The lens you choose to view everything through determines how you feel about yourself and everything that happens around you. You must choose to be happy.
A big part of this is simply being grateful for what you have. As Mick Jagger once said, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need.” Look around. Appreciate the things you have right now. Many people aren’t so lucky. Read 12 Things Happy People Do Differently.
7. I am proud of myself.
You are your own best friend and your own biggest critic. Regardless of the opinions of others, at the end of the day the only reflection staring back at you in the mirror is your own. How you feel about this person is vital to your long-term wellbeing.
Being proud of yourself is also known as having strong self-esteem. People who are proud of themselves tend to have passions in life, feel content and set good examples for others. It requires envisioning the person you would like to become and making your best efforts to grow as an individual.
Being proud isn’t bragging about how great you are. It’s more like quietly knowing that you’re worth a lot. It’s not about thinking you’re perfect – because nobody is – but knowing that you’re worthy of being loved and accepted. Boost your self-esteem by recognizing your accomplishments and celebrating them. Acknowledge your positive qualities, and when you come across a quality in yourself that you aren’t proud of, don’t sulk in your sorrows, proactively work on correcting it. Read Today We Are Rich.
8. I became the best version of me.
It’s a good idea to be yourself, not only because everybody else is taken, but because trying to be anything else doesn’t usually get you very far. Trying to be someone else is a waste of the person you are. Strength, success and contentment come from being comfortable in your own skin.
Judy Garland once said, “Always be a first rate version of yourself instead of a second rate version of somebody else.” Live by this statement. There is no such thing as living in someone else’s shoes. The only shoes you can occupy are your own. If you aren’t being yourself, you aren’t truly living – you’re merely existing.
Remember, at any given moment, you are in competition with one person and one person only – yourself. You are competing to be the best you can be.
9. I forgave those who hurt me.
We’ve all been hurt by another person at some point or another – we were treated badly, trust was broken, hearts were hurt. And while this pain is normal, sometimes that pain lingers for too long. We relive the pain over and over and have a hard time letting go.
This causes problems. It not only causes us to be unhappy, but can strain or ruin relationships, distract us from work and family and other important things, make us reluctant to open up to new things and people. We get trapped in a cycle of anger and hurt, and miss out on the beauty of life as it happens.
Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.
10. I have no regrets.
This one is a culmination of the previous nine headlines…
Follow your heart. Be true to yourself. Do what you need to do fulfill your dreams. Say what you need to say. Be kind to others. Offer a helping hand when you’re able. Love those who deserve to be loved, and cherish the bond you share. Appreciate all the things you do have. Smile. Celebrate your small victories. Learn from your mistakes. Forgive. And let go of the things you can’t change.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Indo for the soul
There are those rare times in life that you meet people that change your life in ways that neither person can possibly know.
This is the way I feel about my buddy Christian. Unbeknownst to me (and especially him) when I met Christian 15 years ago on Kauai I had NO idea the world he would end up opening my eyes to.
Now, being from Hawaii, Indonesia is a place I'm very familiar with as it's discussed often as one of the worlds most epic surf spots. I knew this WAY before I knew christian and undoubtedly he knew this way before he knew me.
What I didn't know, is why the bloody hell my ass would ever be in that country and that Christian (with lack of a better term) would be 'the reason' 15 years after our not so friendly first meeting.
Last year I was laying around Hawaii nursing a broken hand when Christian invited me to join him in Indonesia as he now had lived there for 15 years working in the mentowais on surf charter boats.
I advised him not to joke about these sort of things with flight attendants, because, well, I have means. He assured me we was certainly not joking and in 2 weeks time I found myself nervous, yet wide-eyed and smiling in indo.
Not knowing what to expect, and being well, honestly, scared, I was pleasantly enchanted with what I discovered in this magical country (see last years album for pics). It is a place I will always cherish in my heart. It's people most of all. I think of my trip there often and it could be one of my favorite journeys as of yet in my life. And, as y'all know, I've been around the block a few times.
I was lucky enough to join Christain again this year. Although a very different experience, a rich one as well. Anyway, enjoy this years photos :) and thank you, Christian.
This is the way I feel about my buddy Christian. Unbeknownst to me (and especially him) when I met Christian 15 years ago on Kauai I had NO idea the world he would end up opening my eyes to.
Now, being from Hawaii, Indonesia is a place I'm very familiar with as it's discussed often as one of the worlds most epic surf spots. I knew this WAY before I knew christian and undoubtedly he knew this way before he knew me.
What I didn't know, is why the bloody hell my ass would ever be in that country and that Christian (with lack of a better term) would be 'the reason' 15 years after our not so friendly first meeting.
Last year I was laying around Hawaii nursing a broken hand when Christian invited me to join him in Indonesia as he now had lived there for 15 years working in the mentowais on surf charter boats.
I advised him not to joke about these sort of things with flight attendants, because, well, I have means. He assured me we was certainly not joking and in 2 weeks time I found myself nervous, yet wide-eyed and smiling in indo.
Not knowing what to expect, and being well, honestly, scared, I was pleasantly enchanted with what I discovered in this magical country (see last years album for pics). It is a place I will always cherish in my heart. It's people most of all. I think of my trip there often and it could be one of my favorite journeys as of yet in my life. And, as y'all know, I've been around the block a few times.
I was lucky enough to join Christain again this year. Although a very different experience, a rich one as well. Anyway, enjoy this years photos :) and thank you, Christian.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Lately I've had the strangest feeling.....
I guess I'm on the blog band wagon. Haven't really considered myself as a blog person but my life lately has seemed to been all over the place and I'm not really sure what kind of person I ever am. Or I'm staggering on who I thought I was.... Back during that very small period where I was sure.
I guess I should start little by little since I'm quite overwhelmed by what to include in my first ever blog.... The idea simply occurred to randomly me today as I'm running out of friends to confide in!
I've never been one who was 'popular' or had unlimited number of friends. And that, as i got older was simply my personal choice. I've always renowned myself as being a GOOD friend. Meaning I really don't betray my friends, if I ever have, it certainly not intended or was a result of my own self-omitted poor choice/s.
However, lately I'm doubting my personality and ways I haven't since my teenager, I'm burning through friends like a wild fire in southern Cali in summer. Unknowingly or impulsively hurting the people closest to me with abandon. (I'll get more specific later, but for now....) I'm wondering if I've turned heartless...? Ruthless... Gone crazy....Or just plain unthoughtful and RUDE. Or as my mom put it "self absorbed."
Maybe I'm having a personality disorder... Or WHAT???
I do know that
A) I'm lonely
B) I'm sad
And C) still not sure I'm a bad friend....
I guess I should start little by little since I'm quite overwhelmed by what to include in my first ever blog.... The idea simply occurred to randomly me today as I'm running out of friends to confide in!
I've never been one who was 'popular' or had unlimited number of friends. And that, as i got older was simply my personal choice. I've always renowned myself as being a GOOD friend. Meaning I really don't betray my friends, if I ever have, it certainly not intended or was a result of my own self-omitted poor choice/s.
However, lately I'm doubting my personality and ways I haven't since my teenager, I'm burning through friends like a wild fire in southern Cali in summer. Unknowingly or impulsively hurting the people closest to me with abandon. (I'll get more specific later, but for now....) I'm wondering if I've turned heartless...? Ruthless... Gone crazy....Or just plain unthoughtful and RUDE. Or as my mom put it "self absorbed."
Maybe I'm having a personality disorder... Or WHAT???
I do know that
A) I'm lonely
B) I'm sad
And C) still not sure I'm a bad friend....
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